what once was and never can be
by when-the-silence-ends
Summary: "All that was left was what once was and never can be. A broken dream, a lost family and a boy who doesn't know how to put himself back together." Or a six year old Naruto learns some harsh truths and no one is happy about it. part one of the road of life collection


_basically this was an angsty piece that wrote itself at two in the morning. I may end up writing a few more connected oneshots with this because it doesn't feel finished but we will have to see. anyway enjoy this little attempt at a tear fest. fyi its late so excuse any mistakes you find while reading it. this is also the first Naruto fic i've posted to yeah i may end up regretting this but oh well._

 _its canon until it isn't. its more of a what could have happened or well i just love angsty sad naruto fics so here is one of my own._

 ** _Edited on 07-08-2017_**

* * *

 **what once was and never can be**

* * *

 _"The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world's existence. All these half-tones of the soul's consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are."_

 _ **-Fernando Pessoa**_

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto was once a clueless child with a big dream, a bigger heart, and a smile that was so blindingly happy even when there was nothing for him to smile about. Despite everything he had already been through in the six short years of his life, he had yet to be broken. It only took one moment, one person, to destroy that big dream and even bigger heart. It only took a moment for that heartbreaking smile to disappear and for all that he knew to be true to slip from his desperate fingers. He had been broken.

* * *

It had been a beautiful summer day, with clear skies and a warm breeze, and nothing, absolutely nothing, could ruin this day. At least, that's how six year old Uzumaki Naruto felt as he skipped home from the Hokage's office. It had been the perfect day, he had gotten ramen from Ichiraku's, and then grandpa Hokage said he could go to the Ninja Academy. He would be going two whole years early, but the old man promised that he'd do fine. There was no one in the entire world who he trusted more than his grandpa, so if he said Naruto would do fine, then Naruto believed he would be the best academy student ever! However this wasn't even the best part of his day, no, the best part was learning something about his parents. It wasn't much, but for an orphan like him, anything anyone could tell him about his mom and dad, was something to treasure. Especially so, because that's all he had of them, this little piece of information, and yet, small as it might be, it brought him just a little bit closer to them. Grandpa told him that his parents had been strong ninja who dies during the Kyuubi attack six years ago. Now that he was going to go to the academy, he could be a ninja too, just like his parents. He wouldn't stop there though, Naruto pledged to be the best ninja ever so he could make his mom and dad proud.

When he got home, he was going to find all his loose change so he could go buy everything he needed for the academy. The next class started in a week, and by then he would the most prepared kid there; that's the Uzumaki way! (It may be more the Namikaze way, though Naruto wouldn't know that yet). Believe it!

The six year old continued home unaware of the growing irritation of a villager whose eyes hadn't left the child since he parted with the village's leader. _'What did the demon have to be so happy about when he was here grieving over the death of his wife and unborn child. The death that monster caused. He wouldn't let that, that, thing, go unpunished any longer!'_ Izawa Daisuke wasn't a man to sit idle, or to think things through. His wife was always the one to talk him out of doing the more rash and dangerous things he came up with. They had been friends since childhood, and as they grew it wasn't a surprise to anyone that knew them that they got together. After all Uzumi Kairi and Izawa Daisuki were perfect for each other, it was bound to happen. Daisuke later took over his father's clothing shop and Kairi became a chunin instructor at the academy. They both were perfectly happy with the direction their life was going in. When they learned they were expecting a child, they were both over the moon. Two short weeks later the demon attacked, killing not only the beloved Fourth Hokage and his wife, but Daisuke's wife and unborn child. Now it was strutting around happy after it ruined so many people's lives. _'Now that… That creature has the nerve to bewitch the Third. Just wait until I get my hands on it.'_ Daisuke couldn't let this go on any longer, the demon had to die.

Naruto ignored his landlady's glare as he passed her on his was to his door/ Absentmindedly he hummed a tune he heard when he was younger and still living at the orphanage as he put his key into the lock and twisted. The door opened to a cluttered, but not terribly messy room. Normally, Naruto hated coming back to the small and lonely apartment he called home, but today not even this could put a damper on his good mood. Not even the villager's hatred could reach him today. With a determination he rarely showed when it came to cleaning he set to work on picking up his apartment, keeping an eye out for spare change. An hour or so later, with a thicker wallet, he was out the door and running towards the nearest store that catered to academy students. He saw a sign in this particular shop's window on his way home earlier about an academy student bundle that was for real cheap. Naruto was so excited to be shopping for his own set of academy level shinobi equipment that he easily ignored the normally oppressive glares and nearly tangible hatred most villager's sent his way.

Once he reached the store, Naruto roughly pushed open the door. He couldn't suppress a giggle as the bell above the door jingled. He marched right up to the cash counter and waited impatiently for the man ahead of him to be done paying. The man had really dark hair tied in a ponytail that the blond six year old found really weird. 'What's with that ponytail?' The ponytail man's gaze met his, and the man gave Naruto a small smile. He seemed like he was about to say something to the six year old, but a woman who had to be his wife called for him to hurry from the door of the shop; a boy that looked a lot like the man at her side.

"Thank you Hirakawa." The man said with a nod as he collected his purchases.

"You're welcome Nara-sama," The man behind the counter called after the counter called after the exiting man, before turning his gaze to Naruto. "What do _you_ want?"

Willfully oblivious to the shop owners hostility, the blond answered happily. "Can I get the academy bundle?"

"10,560 yen." The old man hissed through clenched teeth, not even bothering to hid that he was overcharging the blond.

Naruto looked at his wallet, he'd just barely have enough, but he would have to include most of his remaining food money. Just as he was about to hand over the money, he noticed another sign advertising the special hanging above the counter.

"Wait! What? That sign over there says that it's only 5,280 yen. Why do I have to pay so much?"

Hirakawa scowled down at him and sneered. "Only for select patrons."

"P-Patrons?" Naruto questioned, confused by the unfamiliar word.

"The sign is wrong brat, 10,560 yen, or beat it."

With a frown Naruto forked over the money. His wallet now only had enough for maybe four cup ramen at most, but since he got everything he would need for the academy he could deal with once cup ramen a day until he got next month's money. With that decided he took the wrapped bundle Hirakawa set down from the counter and ran out of the store.

Daisuke watched him leave from his spot at the corner of the street. Discreetly as possible, for a civilian at least, he followed the boy. It was late enough that the sky was darkening, and before _the monster_ got home it would surely be dark. 'That's when I'll strike.' Daisuke clenched one of his wife's kunai tightly in his hand and he creeped after the oblivious blond.

No one was outside his apartment complex when he got there, so Naruto decided it would be okay if he tried throwing some of his new weapons at the wall. As nimbly as he could the six year old unwrapped his bundle, and let everything but his new kunai and shuriken pouch fall to the ground. When he pulled out a balanced but wooden kunai Naruto was disappointed, but he's make it work. He had a promise to keep after all.

Daisuke's expression twisted into something cruel as he sneaked up behind _the monster._ He roughly pulled the boy back against his heaving chest and placed the sharp kunai against _the monster's_ neck; it was pressed hard enough to draw blood. Naruto yelped in surprise, and tried to squirm out of the man's hold making the kunai cut deeper. He couldn't understand why the man was doing this, but he knew he had to get away. Naruto couldn't die here, if he died here he wouldn't be able to keep his promise, and that was unacceptable. He wanted to scream, but a hand covered his mouth and nose muffling any sound he made and making it hard to breathe. Daisuke's grin grew wider as _the monster_ struggled in his hold.

"You should have died six years ago Kyuubi. Now I'll make sure you do." Daisuke growled and drew the blade across Naruto's throat.

The kunai cut deep only stopped by his windpipe; blood soaked his shirt in just a short moment. However Daisuke was not done yet. With an enraged yell he pushed Naruto to the ground and towered over his smaller body.

"This is for you Kairi! Die, you monster!"

The kunai glistened eerily in the light coming from the nearest street light as the man brought it up, it was almost entrancing to the heavily bleeding and terrified boy on the ground as it was stabbed into his small chest and stomach. Over, and over again, until everything just went black.

* * *

"So, this is my jailer?" The red mass of fire and anger growled, nine tails hanging over him menacingly. The bars separating them doing nothing to ease Naruto's fear of the beast.

"Are you here to get revenge on the man?" The Kyuubi questioned, each word barely above a hiss.

Naruto had no answer for the beast he was too lost…

 _paingriefsadnessangerempathysorrowunderstanding_

Now he knew the reason why.

 _whyhewasalwaysalonehatedforthoselooks_

In that moment he lost something important.

 _hopejoyinnocencenievitychildhood_

It wasn't something he could ever get back.

"No? Too bad."

Everything went red.

* * *

"You resist me? Interesting. Just like your mother and father." Kyuubi mocked, his laughter echoing in Naruto's mind. "But they died sealing me into you. They failed in the end. Just as you will."

* * *

A flash of yellow chakra and the red started to fade.

"You won't win, not this time Kyuubi."

With another flash of light, the Kyuubi was gone his burning chakra was pulled back in the seal, and Naruto was left facing a tall blond man with sad blue eyes.

"Naruto, my son, I'm so sorry. This isn't how I wanted to meet you." Minato Namikaze, the Fourth Hokage said sadly, and crouch down to be eye to eye with his son. "How old are you now?"

Naruto wiped at his eyes, and looked up at the Fourth Hokage, no his father, and answered him quietly. "Six."

"You're so young." His father said his voice brittle, he brought a hand to cup Naruto's face. "You look so much like me." His smile was pained. "Oh, bur you are definitely your mother's son. I can see much of her in you."

"My mother?" Naruto asked, yearning clear in his voice.

Minato looked so terribly sad, and comforted himself by pushing Naruto's hair out of his eyes. "Her name was Uzumaki Kushina, she had very beautiful red hair. She loved to cook, pull pranks on her friends and to create and change seals. Oh, and she loved you so very much…'

"What about you?" Naruto asked, his hand reaching towards his father unconsciously. Minato grabbed it, and held it close to his heart.

"I love to train with my student, create seals and jutsu and your mother's ramen. I love Kohona, and it's people… I like to play pranks on my teacher, oh there is so much I wish I could tell you…"

Naruto gazed at him with tear filled blue eyes, "I want to know more. I wish you were alive, I don't want to be alone anymore daddy."

Minato let out a pained sound in the back of his throat as his son started to weep. "I don't have long now Naruto, but always remember your mom and I love you so much. You, Namikaze Uzumaki Naruto will make your mother and I proud. I can see it already. I love you so much Naruto."

His father pulled him into a hug, one that a parent gives to their kid when everything is wrong and nothing, not even their embrace will help, but they hold you close anyway because they love you so much and they don't want to let you go. He started to fade, and Naruto tried in vain to keep his father from disappearing but nothing could keep him there because he was dead.

And Naruto was left alone once again.

* * *

Naruto woke up in a white room, in a white bed covered in a white blanket. The colorless room reminded him too much of his father he couldn't help from crying out. He pushed himself up, and kicked the white blanket off his body. He yelled, and screamed, and cried and cried for what felt like hours, but was only a few minutes. As soon as he calmed himself, the door opened. The Third Hokage walked in, his expression the saddest Naruto had ever seen. A big part of him was satisfied because this man had lied to him, but mostly he just felt defeated.

"Naruto-" Sarutobi began, his voice was shaking and he looked unsteady.

Suddenly it was all too much for Naruto and it made him angry so he lashed out. "Why didn't you tell me? I asked you why they hated me, you said it was nothing. It wasn't nothing!" Naruto took a second to get his breath back. "But I understand now. It's because you're just like them, you don't want to admit it, but deep down you hate me just as much."

"Naruto!" The old man scolded, "I made a lot of mistakes, I know, but the one thing I didn't do was lie about was caring about you."

"I'm sorry… But why?" Naruto wiped the tears from his eyes, letting go of the temporary anger, and met Hiruzen's eyes with his own. "Why didn't you tell me about my father? Or my mother. About who they were? Didn't I deserve to know?"

"I was trying to protect you Naruto."

"From what? The villagers that hate me enough to try to kill me? Or the nights I couldn't sleep wondering if my parents loved me? If I was wanted, if my existence meant something?" Naruto trailed off with a sigh, he just felt so tired now.

Hiruzen couldn't find the right words to say to the broken and lost boy in front of him. So he chose not to say anything. Nothing he said to the boy would matter. No excuse, or validation could make him feel better. It wouldn't change what happened or bring back what was lost. Naruto would never be the same cheerful boy Hiruzen came to care for. No, that boy was long gone. All that was left was what once was and never can be. A broken dream, a lost family and boy who doesn't know how to put himself back together.

This was the price of his failure.

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 _"Some beautiful paths can't be discovered without getting lost."_

 ** _-Erol Ozan_**

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yep this is it. what do you all think? i've already posted the other connected fics and they can be found on my profile. lots of thanks for reading.

-haley


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